Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
