You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
