life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
