On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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