honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
