i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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