A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
tell me about the eggs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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