Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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