so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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