Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My life is pants optional.
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