The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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