I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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