I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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