Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
