Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
