beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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