if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
