no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
