Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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