I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
