After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
