now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
