You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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