Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
