Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My vagina just clenched in fear
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
