Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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