Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
