i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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