guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
