he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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