Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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