her vagine was all disorganized.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
