life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
