The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
