The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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