i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
