It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
