Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize