she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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