I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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