Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
