I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
