you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
