oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
