I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
