I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
