Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
