Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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