Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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