Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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