i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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