I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
