i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
