There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
